Sunday, November 30

Countdown Update


Space Crib

Currently filled with hospital bags & tin foil to teach the cats a lesson- THIS CRIB NEEDS TO BE FILLED WITH BABY!


(He can't read yet, this is no use)...

Wednesday, November 26

Single Digits

That's right! No more double digit we're down to single digit days! oh boy oh boy oh boy!

9 more days

Monday, November 24

Pray for bullshit!

I hope that astrologers are full of crap:

"people born under the sign of Sagittarius usually have a large and well-shaped skull, a high, broad forehead, a slender and well formed figure."

38 Weeks & 3 Days

Here it is: My Massiveness! That's a 7 1/2 pound baby right there!


Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz had a baby boy and named him Bronx Mogli Wentz.

Anyone who bitched about Franc Cowboy Stewart, can kiss my ass! These whities have never been to the bronx (and can't imagine they ever will).... otherwise they'd be too afraid to name their kid that! and Mogli- disney character/ jungle book main character! WHOA!

So Ace Royal Stewart is an f-ing fantastic name. It's seriously awesome. No complaining from anyone! Just remember I could've named him Manhattan Mickey Mouse Stewart.


poop poop poop.

Sunday, November 23

38 Weeks, 2 days & Counting....

Playing the waiting game. My next doctor appointment is 2 days before the due date. (Due date December 5th). By then little Ace could weigh 8.5 pounds. good lord.


I'm going bonkers.

Wednesday, November 19


I am motivated today!

I have just started 2 loads of laundry. Finished a trip to 2 banks. Made phone calls, sent loving emails, mailed netflix videos, took a walk, made joe's lunch, dropped him off at work.

YAY! I'm feeling good. I'm off to make breakfast, scrub the shower curtain, paint a wall shelf, load the dishwasher, vacuum, mop & possibly scrub the bathroom floor.

Good day! I'm hoping if I clean the baby will think oh they're ready... and come out! It's all mental at this point. Whatever gets me through the day.

Tuesday, November 18

End of the day.

Yesterday evening was 1 part disaster. Excluding watching Stargate (which is kinda awesome).

I am a danger to society without a nap, and I have been informed that I need to take one today. Joe informed me that it is mandatory.

I had a "I don't want to be pregnant anymore" break down. No crying, but there was some swearing, and 4 year-old tantrum like body language and behavior. Pretty pathetic.

You try sleeping on one side until your ribs burn (thanks to a 7 pound baby & gravity), then attempt to switch over to your other side. The inertia required to complete this task is completely exhausting. Sometimes I have to even take a break mid-way through my "roll over". If I do complete this in one fell swoop, I still have had a half work-out and am wide-eyed awake for god knows how long.

Anyway. Starting to get that notion that if everyone is an asshole, maybe I'm the asshole?!


Monday, November 17

Half Birthday

Today I am 23 1/2 years old- woopy!

I am going to celebrate by not bathing all day and maybe I'll eat one of my homemade m&m cookies. They are very tasty!

Thursday, November 13

22 More Days (excluding today)

When waiting around for things always see the current day as moot. That's what I do! Because today is already here, why wait for it to be over to not count it?

Today was day 2 of the cat jumping into the crib at 5 AM. He did it twice this time. I don't know why he's doing it, but I do know that he's doing it at the time of morning right after he takes a nasty big dump and smells like total SHIT! So! I caught him and stuck him in the bath tub, and yes AT 5 AM!!!!!!!! I bathed the cat (shampoo & all)... he smelled like total poo and if he's going to be the little shit head he is and jump into the crib I'd rather him do it again without poo litter under his paws. Good thing I didn't do laundry yesterday. I'm kind of thinking I will put off re-laundering the kid sheets until it's a little closer since Pee has this really new awesome habit of getting into the crib.

The dangers of cats in cribs is simple. Cats love heat. This cat in particular loves to cuddle up to you while you sleep and by cuddle up I mean lay on you and shove his paws in your mouth. He's a total sweet heart. HOWEVER! There is a serious risk of suffocation when you pair up babies and cuddly cats in cribs. I have a feeling that once the baby is here and wailing from his crib Pee will have nothing to do with the comfy cozy area and will return to our bed or his favorite scratching post bi-level. With the looming risks of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and the lack of facts this very real and very scary unidentified cause of death holds, anything extra in a crib is scary. Especially a big furry shit machine like my cat, Pee Pants. As it is the baby will be sleeping on top of a tight fitting sheet in a sleep sack without any comforters or pillows. There is a crib bumper (which some "experts" will argue on as safe). This bumper is very thin, and though my little boy is active in utero he will not be able to wiggle his way over to the corners of the crib and smother himself. I have thought about purchasing a sleep positioner and have placed one on my babies'R'Us registry. I'm not sure how necessary they are, but if it's peace of mind you want, these can apparently give it to you. The best things you can do to prevent SIDS is keep a nice warm baby friendly temperature in your home where the baby can be comfortable in a sleeping garment only, and place him on his back to sleep. That's the token slogan "Back to Sleep". When a baby becomes old enough to squirm around and can get onto his stomach to sleep and could get OFF of his stomach to sleep (IN MY OPINION) that is okay. I am a stomach sleeper ( OR WAS) and find it the most comfortable position, I understand why babies would too. Until they're old enough to flip around I would go with the SIDS slogan and always be very very very cautious of looming suffocation threats.

Wednesday, November 12

Hittin' the sauce!

Getting WASTED! Just kidding.

On the good advice of everyone I know, and the good ol' docs a-o-k! I am hitting the sauce.

The red wine sauce that is. We're not talking about beating spagghetti, I'm talking about a nice generous pouring of a fine red wine.

About half way into my first glass (first drink I've had since a glass of sangria that had me on my lips in... may?) and I'm feeling relaxed and a bit ... SAUCY! Thank god, I might even sleep tonight.

Taking a bath and lighting some candles. Bound to have a good night!

TCB! Business as Usual.

Today is Wednesday and I'm going to cease the cheese!

I am completing some IKEA furniture assembly. Seriously de-furing the apartment (vacuum, sweep & dust).

I seriously want to burn the cow, (joe's beloved cow hide rug). But! I cannot do that. I do want to roll it up. It makes for 1/3 of the fur that shows up on the black clothes out of the dryer. Since I cannot roll up the cats and put them away... I'll rid myself of the itchy floor beast and bathe the cats.

Other things I need to do:

Plan out Thanksgiving (going with the theory I haven't had the kiddo at that point).
*guests *menu *recipes *turkey?! *entertainment

Re-launder the crib blankets/sheets
(Pee Pants got into there last night.... thought I was going to kill him at 5 AM this morning).

Dishes, Dishes, Dishes. The more I'm at home the more I cook, I am constantly cleaning the kitchen and it is constantly dirty.

Probably should try to plan my wedding. ACK! I really lost wind on this one!

Monday, November 10

Revisiting Child Hood Toys Part 2

For a while Teddy Ruxpin scared the shit out of me. Then I liked him, but I was skeptical of his hard back (the tape player). I enjoyed sticking things in his mouth while he talked, I thought it was pretty hilarious.

Revisiting Child Hood Toys

I had a Pink Popple.

Popples were little creatures with hair and colorful ears fuzzy tummies and long tails with balls of fuzz at the ends. They had a pocket that they folded up in. It attached at their butt and you could flip it inside out and their legs arms and tail would go inside the pouch. I think there was a cartoon for a short amount of time, or at least some illustrated books where they could get into places if the tucked into their pouch and rolled around. I had the one with the green ear and pink ear featured in the middle of this illustration.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie

I found this recipe on the side of my Multi Bran Chex Cereal Box.

Chocolate-Peanut Butter Pie

I have all the ingredients to make it, and am contemplating being a normal person and making it for Thanksgiving, or being an insane pregnant lady and making it right now and eating it all day long.

For the baby's nutritional sake I'm going to ere on the side of caution and observe a healthy eating habit at least until mid-afternoon.

See me in 5 hours.

Friday, November 7

I don't have any stretch marks

So I've got that going for me!

As you can see Ace has bunched up onto one side of the belly therefore leaving a lopsided appearance. He weighs around 6 pounds now! He throws it around too! He's dropped down into my pelvic bone which is referred to as "lightening" and it feels like there's a baby stuck in between your legs- because THERE IS!

Week 36!

That means 1 more week to full term! This baby could come today, which I wouldn't mind. He is punching me in the crotch from the inside! It hurts like hell! Joe's boss told me it looks like twins. That was probably the nicest way to put it, his barber said i was HUUUUUUUGE!

I am a huge lady, there's no freaking avoiding it anymore. I have accepted my largeness. I accept it so much that I stayed home last night avoiding social interaction to watch TV, write thank you cards & wear stretch pants with flip flops. My feet are swollen, my rings won't come off, I'm drinking tons of water, & napping once a day. I fantasize about being slender-er than now. I would never describe myself as slim and slender, but compared to the whale I have become... I used to be freaking slim and slender. I can't wait for my jaw to return, my second ass to dissapear, my thighs to de-thunderize! I'll take some saggy boobies for a cute tiny body, I don't give a shit!

I told Joe this morning that I had a wild crazy dream about partying my ass off and looking cute and being sexy- there was also a frozen yogurt bar involved, kinda have been wanting pumpkin frozen yogurt lately. It reminded me how long it's been since I entertained a semi-flirtatious stare with another person. It's just that being checked out bit, that I found so annoying, that just has really REAAAAAALLY dissapeared from my life. I hate the creepy old men, and the latino chauvinists who do creepy noises grunts hoots & hollers, but BUT BUT! Those little looks, nods, obvious attempts to conceal interest towards the way I look- those are missed. The acknowledgement from another human being that I may just be slightly attractive has left a bit of a void I suppose. I think it'll always be different from now on. Instead of a young hottie I'll be a MILF, and I don't think I'll be acquiring my MILF status for another 6 months, so sign me up for the fat ass committee I'm on it! Here's a picture to give you an idea of how enormous I have become. Getting out of bed- that's a laughable balancing act!

Daily Goals

Adjust budget to include all the new crazy shit we have put into our life.

Accomplish one ACTUAL thing for the wedding. (meaning make a deposit a decision-ANYTHING)

Kanye's Cool as the Kool he's smokin'

Wednesday, November 5

Dear Trader Joe's

Your all fruit trail mix needs more banana chips. The ratio of raisin to banana chip is laughable! I commend you on your use of dried papaya and pineapple far more of a competitive share to the raisins, but the banana chips they really bring the life to the trail mix party and we need to work together to make this world better.

Please I beg of you two scoops of banana chips, the raisins have had their day in the sun- Pun definitely intended!


Today was a momentous occasion. Today... FedEx delivered my car seat! Thank you thank you thank you to our wonderful friend Andrew! Whom just ran the ING NYC Marathon in 3 1/2 hours! Way to go!

So Uncle Andrew got us a car seat that is compatible with our stroller. It is the Maxi Cosi Infant Carseat and it is blue. The stroller we purchased is the Quinny Buzz stroller. We thought we bought blue, but it turns out we bought black/slate which is fine with us since the infant car seat will be the sitting stroller part until Mr. Ace Baby is 6 months old. We will probably want a change of scenery by then, and the black/slate hides more dirt, which Brooklyn just can't get enough of! In fact I just spread new dirt on my window sills today, how great is that exhaust build up, AM I RIGHT!?!?!

The car seat comes in a big box, and inside the box is a big plastic bag, and inside the plastic bag, is the entire car seat. It is already all put together, THANK GOD! And there are no spare parts, accessories, nada! So simplified compared to the stroller, which Joe tackled on his own, that it's TOO SIMPLE! I start to search for the manual. Which is in it's own little hidy hole in the back of the car seat and took me a minute to find. It's all pretty straight forward, but what I cannot understand is the 4 different sets of directions to hook up the car seat the exact same way to the seat belt rear facing in the back seat. It give you different scenarios if you have this certain anti-lock seatbelt set up or THIS certain type of seatbelt. But all together, it's the same damn way no matter WHAT kind of seatbelt you have. The only surprise I got out of the carseat directions is that the infant car seat is supposed to be rear facing at all times. Which mean for the entire first year of Ace's life he will watch the back of the car, never the front. I kinda thought after 6 months you could whip it around, but apparently my "figuring" was incorrect.

Now I need to get some of those nifty gadgets for the back seat so he doesn't get bored out of his mind staring at the black interior of our Volvo.

OH YEAH! we got a new car (to put the car seat in) We thought since Andrew bought us a car seat, we should try to use it as much as possible, instead of in the occasional cab. So Joe & I set out on a week long adventure hunting down the most perfect of all station wagons, the 2009 Volvo V50 Stationwagon. It is silver and lovely and I kinda want to live in it, just a little bit.

So, I have officially become a Volvo Driving Mom- not sure if it will be completed with the "Soccer" part, but maybe that'll wait until I get a boob-job and take up some terrible mom hobby like smoking pot. JUST KIDDING, I dont plan on either of the above.

Creating Accidental Dialogue

I sent out a group email expressing my happiness about the new President Elect (did you hear?!) and accidentally embarked on a trip down family feud lane.

Not even married yet and my over zealous libertarian grandpa is going off to my in-laws about being socialists and not reading the constitution.

I really opened up the fucking can of worms this time. Taking training from my grandma I'm trying to put up a big smile and smooth it over before my grandpa and joe's family start sending private emails telling each other to fuck off. Though I do find a level of comedy out of it, I have never understood how telling everyone they're ignorant and losing rights is beneficial. Especially when they're going to be your new in laws- jesus christ!

Tuesday, November 4

Hiccups for Ace

Ace has the hiccups on my pelvic bone. I know this because its a constant repetitive action where his head is, and it will last a little while. It's kinda funny that he gets the hiccups though he isn't breathing air yet.

I'll take the repition of hiccups to the raking of feet over my rib cage any day of the week!

When Obama Wins

I will be a happy camper.

Click here to see what other options you may have when Obama wins.

Vomiliciously Pregnant BUH!

I am huge. Today I was day 2 of kinda working again. An unexpected death occurred and I needed to help cover for the day care for the week, and watch my boss's kiddos today so the daycare would not be illegally filled with children.

I am tired and ready to stop by 10 o'clock. I have so little energy, and the energy it takes to create enough inertia to get up (from sitting standing or knealing positions) is taxing.

Here is a picture to illustrate the big-ness of my situation.

It's almost 36 weeks, which puts me at 8 months and counting. I can't freaking wait.

And just FYI! I am measuring at normal lengths which means 35 centimeters for 35 weeks on the tummy, so normal sized baby. And I do look fat and I have gained weight, but not outside of a normal amount so far 34 pounds. But I started off above my average weight by A LITTLE! over 5. So whatever you do as far as comments go, don't call me fat, unless you want your butthole to be replaced with your mouth.

Sunday, November 2

Halloween Party

First Costume event was Wednesday for Joe's work party.

We dressed up as Juno & Paulie Bleeker from the blockbuster hit of overly witty teenagers played by none other than people in their 20's.

Here's a pic.