Monday, December 6

Are you FLIPPING KIDDING ME?

The disgusting eye raping ass toning flip flop has invaded all other seasons.


FIT FLOP (WRETCH) the supposed sandal you can wear and while walking will lift your booty and tone your lower places, is now making clogs *gasp*, UGG style shearling boots *bleck*,  and MANDALS (man sandals singing to the tune of Dave Matthews enthusiasts) .  I have avoided vomiting all over myself while typing that sentence, but that does not mean I am not insanely nauseated.

I've read reviews of both pro and con on the actual form changing that may occur while wearing these bad boys.  To properly research and come to my own opinions and conclusions I would need to buy a pair of fit floppers and then....  wear them.  Truly a revolting thought.  They have been spotted all over the NYC subway, the wretched sneaker style can be seen on the lovely female office commuter who has clearly chucked the new balance of the past and decided to let her giant tube socks and nylon panty hose live in U shaped soles for the sexy commuter chic.  The combination of Eat Pray Love & FitFlop Footwear is the biggest clue of hating penis and loving kittens since embroidered collared sweatshirts were invented.

I can't take it, so I'm sharing my strongest emotions for all to learn.

CROCS are for kids, silly rabbit.
 ORTHOPEDIC CLOGS are for the nurses.
 ROMAN MANDALS are for the Titans.
FIT FLOPS are for the suckers.
UGGS are for the Jersey Shore and the OC.
 MAJOR FUR BOOTS & SHINY platform wedged snowboots.... ARE FOR ITALIANS FROM SPACE!

If you aren't any of the above and are wearing the footwear described.  Continue and give up on mating, or seriously reconsider your life choices in footwear.

You will notice Birkenstocks have not made it into the category.  I accept them depending on region and weather.

Reasons & Ways NOT to wear your Birkenstocks:

1. If you live in 48 of the 50 US States.  IE: Hawaii & Alaska are okay for 2 basic reasons a. you're stoned and it's a miracle you have shoes on or b. you'll get hypothermia and die and I won't ever be at risk of seeing those fucking things on your feet ever again.
2.  With Toe Socks ESPECIALLY rainbow toe socks.- NO NO NO!
3.  Port-a-Potties at any festival, HELLO PSYCHEDELIC SHIT TOES!
4.  If you are a man.
5.  You're single and do not wish to be single.
6.  On a bicycle, tricycle, unicycle, scooter, elyptical machine, treadmill, stationary bicycle, or segway, or longboard.  ESPECIALLY NOT A LONG BOARD YOU DICK!
7.  If you were born after 1974 & eat meat.

If none apply...  Toe jam on my hippie friend.  JAM IT UP!

Tuesday, November 23

Thank YOU CITY PARK RANGER!

Today a man in a lovely green uniform removed what I refer to as "VAGINA VANDALISM"  from the swirly slide at the playground.

THANKS!

It was there all day yesterday in lovely black ink.  this poor woman had a vagina where her belly button normally would go.  So sad.

The Park was chained up and locked until 10 AM this morning.  Why is it that the evil teens can get into the playground from closing at dusk to 12 at night, but I cannot get in with my son at 9 AM?

I've requested the parks department lock the park nightly the official way, and never saw any results.  Then again maybe this was the result and in turn I have just shot myself in the foot.

We will see what happens tomorrow.

My next venture is to go to the zoning department and discuss the safety of having children play right next to a chicken slaughter house and the disgusting fumes that come off of it directly to the swings.

YUCK!

Saturday, October 9

Scary Comparisons

Me 2 Years ago at Halloween:


Me Yesterday:


YIKES!

Thursday, October 7

Leather Shorts

I think that this season's big leather shorts phase is a real tip o' the hat to Oktoberfest.

I can tell you of 2 ridiculous things I have seen for Fall/Winter 2010 Fashion.  Mind, when I say ridiculous I mean in the readywear non couture buy and wear to whatever whenever basic outfit shit.

I will warn you now, they're both leather & this is in NO WAY a pro-PETA thing this is an anti-overpriced things I can't wear because my thighs and ass would look RIDICULOUS IN THEM-thing.

1.  Leather Shorts.


I am a proud owner of high waisted velvet shorts.  They're heaven.  I am a proud believe in Leiderhosen.  given my opinions and likes, I should be a shoe in for the new Leather Shorts over tights fall look that is ALL OVER THE FRICKIN PLACE.  I am not.  For many reasons that I would like to enlighten you, my precious and small numbered readers.

a. Shorts are generally a relief to me as I can buy according to the appropriate size of my waist and hips, which is often prevented by the width of my thigh & booty.  Denim and blends are forgiving mostly, this season both of my shorts actually shrunk so they were tighter than usual giver male passers by more chance to rant and rave in their monstrously disgusting ways.  Thank you laundromat.  Leather is not forgiving, it gets weird.  Leather can stretch when warmed but oh baby during fall and winter they're going to be cold as ice and when it's chilly leather can get all crunchy and crinkled  think about the weird thigh lines, ook!  I outlined earlier in this paragraph how passersby of male origin generally factory workers and truck drivers (i live in a warehouse area..there's a LOT of those acrossed the street from my home)  totally hark on me for my appearance.  sometimes if i just put lipstick on.... imagine what leather shorts would create.
b.  I combined this with above.... it's sexual harrasment.  just to clarify a. was being too chubs to look good in them after 1 wear during weird weather temps.
c.  they're FREAKING EXPENSIVE.... pleather perhaps  but that's so Pretty Woman WHOA MAN!  I wouldn't couldn't please beat me to it!

2.  Leather LEGGINGS.


YEAH LEGGINGS, not pants but LEG-GINGS!  As if tight leather pants needed to be made tighter.  THEY HAVE BEEN!  Some are "leather paneled" meaning mostly leather but there's stretchy bits up in there.  which brings up the question, why cost $680???  Huh Bloomingdales?  WHY!?

If I couldn't get my funky ass into a pair of leather shorts, why lord why would I want to attempt leather leggings?  Unless we're trying to create a walking talking human sausage look, please please please spare me.

If i want to stop eating beef so I can wear it, maybe it would work.  But I'd also have to give up dairy, cheese, yogurt, butter, in fact, i'd have to turn to celery mustard and saltines the go-to anorexic diet!

So....

All in all, these are ridiculous, more power to you if you can a. afford them, and b. pull them off!  You skinny booty bitches have at it!  I mean it in the nicest way.  But if I were to attempt to think about wearing leather leggings/shorts I would have to become a vegan anorexic, which in turn would make wearing them moot.

the end.

Friday, October 1

RAAARRRR!!! oh, I mean VROOM!

Remember the "What Drives Edward" Contest?  Preceding the drop of New Moon the second installation of the Twilight Saga, Volvo (the car the main male character Edward drives)  was changed from a little silver volvo -as written in the books- to a GIANT BLACK volvo xc90 and volvo financed a huge sweepstakes to win the new car that Edward would be driving in a series of online games.

I totally played, and so did Joe through puzzles and yada yada to try for a new car and possibly tickets to the premiere.

NOW!!!!  Ford has jumped on the vamp hype wagon and gone after The Vampire Diaries on the CW.  The Vamps Drive you Wild Campaign...  Caroline a supporting character is now driving a Ford Focus with voice command-thanks microsoft :)  Huge promo on the website and shameless in episode promotion.  I watch this online, so I'm not sure what kind of ads they're running during the episode but I'm sure it's enough to choke a donkey.  Their website is definitely pumping up the Fiesta Jam!

Well, good luck with that!  Supposedly they were trying to throw the fiesta at baby boomers who wanted to stay "hip".... but now they're just choking teenagers with $17,000 car dreams.  Still cheaper than the VW Beetle I wanted when i was 13.

Tuesday, September 28

oh no.

i saw this costume and thought it was a Jon Bennet costume.

HOLY SHIT HALLOWEEN

This is effing ridiculous.

like... this white kid...  is michael jackson.  hahahha

Ace will never be a dead black dude turned white dude for halloween.... unless we're talking Darth Vader.   I love my own jokes.

I don't know what his costume will be this year, he was Fire Super Mario last year.  hmmm.....

any suggestions?

Wednesday, June 30

REALLY BIG ECLIPSE

I went to see Eclipse (The third installment of the twilight saga films).  Last night-opening night!!!

got there 40 minutes early (stupid)  should've been 1.5 or 2 hours early.

paid mega bux for IMAX tickets and sat in the FRONT ROW.

my glasses frames were not large enough to fit the screen into view.  I was doing panaramic side to side head bobbling the whole time.  egads.

I think the movie was good, but all i could see was the pimples on Kirsten Stewarts chin, the overdone makeup on Robert Pattinson and THE WORST WIGS EVER!  shieeeet.

for something that i've been waiting for for.... oh a loong time, i was entertained but kinda baffled.

no more big big screeens for me.  i'm going friday with some lady friends to a smaller regular theater, i'm sitting in the frickin back and i'm gonna enjoy the HELL out of it.

the fight sequences were good.  i expected a bit more scary intensity from the naughty vamps (but maybe it was just too distracting to be staring at whatever was on top of Bryce Dallas Howard's head).

The beginning of New Moon will still be the best most epic begining of the Twilight series if you ask me (which you're not).

In closing.  Eclipse is a would watch again movie for me, and though the screenplay writing detoured minimally from the original book, it didn't interfere.  The movie had a good pace and they packed it in with every detail possible in correct order from the book.

i need to reread some of the ending of eclipse i'm pretty sure that Bella didn't cut herself in the fight scene with Victoria in the book, but now i'm just not sure.  pretty sure Riley died way sooner and edward kicked V's ass before the cutting blood shit could happen.

like i said need to reread, currently unsure if memory is serving correctly.

go see it and tell me what you think!!!

TWIHARDS.

Friday, June 25

Lame Mom Rap Verse 2

When I turn my Iphone on
It lights up all white

Shit man, that ain't right.

Not Cool Mom Rap Series. Verse 1

My hair is pink
It don't stink

Recognize

Thursday, June 17

RoBert pattinson much pAnts!!!

Need I say more?....

Maybe, he'll be filming a nude scene for his next film!

Uhhhh can you say "closed set"??? No way hotta have a cell cam in there somewhere!!!

Ro

Wednesday, March 31

Harry Potter Fanatic!

I have read all the books, loved the movies thus far... and own ONLY ONE!

There is a movie 1-6 box set from Amazon I have my eye on... It's actually less expensive to buy the box set, than to supplement the other 5 movies to my collection.

Perhaps I'll sell/give away my singular copy and replace it with the boxed version.

There are still 2 movies to come (The 7th book has been put into 2 seperate screenplays).  Book 7 being as massive as it is Movie 7 part 1 will come out this year, and the second installment will be next year, I think.

Guess I've just not been keeping up loyally with my Harry Potter blogs...WHAT!  I do read them from time to time :)

If you are a Harry Potter fan, here is a link to the box set on Amazon:  HARRYYYYY!

If you are not a Harry Potter, but want to become one....  here is a link to the book set: BOOOOKS!!

The movies get better and better, and in my opinion, so do the books.

If you have little patience for anything here is the 30 Second Bunny Theater Part 1:


and Part 2:

Monday, March 29

Bad BABY!



Ace has figured out to open all the drawers... all the "JUNK" drawers.

Which means every sharp object... tack box cutter stapler etc is sitting in a box on top of our desk and on a daily basis the drawers are all emptied out onto the floor.

mischief!  SEVERE MISCHIEF!  My little bad boy has 9 million cubbies full of toys and he would rather sort through envelopes spare headphones usb sticks and so on.

Worst part of this is how he has figured out how to get the caps off of markers.

specifically large brown markers:



he also just shut down the computer during this post.

it's raining, we'd usually be at the playground, but instead we're destroying the apartment indoors.

AHHH!

Neice & Nephew

Olallie & Atticus:

 It is absolutely impossible to not totally love these kids.

Friday, March 26

Little Kitty

Last night we lost our beloved kitty pal MC Pee Pants.

The snuggliest nuzzling kitty with a chill hang out attitude died yesterday evening from unknown and sudden causes.  He will be missed and loved forever.

Pee Pants was rescued as a kitten from the Orange County Animal Shelter in Orange, CA in December of 2005.  I picked him from a litter, he was suckling on another cats neck.  Pee was the cutest cat I've ever seen, and the sweetest cat I've ever known.  At 5 years old he had lived in Costa Mesa CA, Brooklyn, NY and Portland, OR.  It is hard to know the cause of his immediate departure from the earthly realm, but he was not always "all there" and being the runt of the litter it most likely was from completely natural causes.  Living in a house that is baby proofed it would have been tricky for him to have access to chemical and chocolate, or anything that would cause a sudden kitty fatality.

He is survived by Morrissey the Cat, Ace Stewart, Joe Stewart, and Me.

Farewell sweet furry baby!

Sunday, March 21

Ace and Ma

Here's the 2 of us fine dining at the KFC/TacoBell a few weeks ago.



Just an FYI Taco Bell is advertising for their new shrimp tacos "6 shrimp 1 taco"-- my thoughts are 6 hours 1 toilet. Meat that comes from a bag is one type of gross that you can come to look forward to every once in a while, but shrimp-whoa!!! What could they possibly do to it yuck yuck yuck! Stear clear!

Thursday, March 11

TV!

Since the fall, I have watched this much TV: (not lost actually i watched that over the last 5 freaking years with a question of pay off, i admit!)


Breaking Bad Season 1 & 2 (thumbs UP)

Dexter Season 1,2,3,4 (1 & 2 thumbs up...3,4...eh)

How I Met Your Mother Season 1,2,3,4,5 (for easy entertainment, NPH YAY!)

Glee, Season 1 Episode 1-13 (it makes me gag from time to time)

V Season 1 Episodes 1-4 Current (replacement for battlestar galactica?)

Lost Season 1-5th Current (i think i'm going to croak before i get some answers)

Mad Men Season 1,2,3 Current (don't know where it's going from here!)

Weeds Season 1,2,3 Current (love it love it want to see more)

True Blood Season 1,2 Current (way off in the writing from the books -sookie stackhouse series by charlainne harris----but! i still totally dig on it! lots of vamps lots of sexy stuff and hilarious southern accents, vampires that sound like fog-horn-leg-horn-HA!)

Californication Season 1,2,3 Current -growing a bit weary. i like me some Davey D.

The Vampire Diaries Season 1 Episodes 1-15 loving this--- want to watch more, CW-please stop placing the episodes so far apart, hello! it's a hit! ~now i need to read the books

Nurse Jackie Season 1 Episodes 1-12 loving it! will watch more!

The Wire- Season 1,2,3,4,5-----!!!!!!!!THE SHIT! I recommend to everyone!

Full Length Twilight Saga Eclipse Movie Trailer

Here it is:



I am looking forward to the dvd release of New Moon later this month (3/20/10). June 30th is oh the horizon *eclipse is on the horizon* i can see it in the distance, woooopity woo!

Wednesday, March 10

YESS!!!!!!

Awaiting full trailer to come out as preview during Remember Me, but a 10 second sneak peak of: Twilight Saga- Eclipse

Wednesday, February 10

BRRRRRRR! It's COLD!

SNOW STORM! Woke up to an inch, went to the car to drive Joe to work, 3 inches.

Got home from taking Joe to work... 4 inches, I think it's 6 now.

Here's a link to the Blizzard Warning that stands until Thursday for Kings County:

BLIZZARD


so:

*phone is dead
*at home
*Joe is at work
*BLIZZARD

This means that, I'm making chili and staying inside. Ace has just gotten used to going on afternoon walks around the neighborhood, so this will be a tough afternoon for us both. I'm going to hope that conditions stay mild so I can pick Joe up from work and bring him home safely. But he may take the car or subway home instead.

I wish everyone a warm afternoon indoors!

Friday, January 29

Chicken

Baking Chicken in the middle of the day. Wooooo! Party!

Ace is so energetic, he's walking everywhere, turning into a little man!

I think we're entering some serious toddler territory. Walking, mimicking, faux talking, opening doors!!!!

Nap time is happening and The Vampire Diaries is on, so I will part with very very little to say.

adeu

Tuesday, January 19

LOLFBMOMENTS!!!

This is much more pleasurable than actually having a Face Book page.

I do it to keep in touch with my friends but I mostly do it when I'm bored. HOWEVER not facebooking and reading other people's very hilarious and messed up overshares is far better!

Amongst thousands of hilarious facebook posts this is my favorite:



Also in love with the posts declaring a girl is pregnant (this is how she told her boyfriend)... The 2 teenage girls talking about how much pot they're going to smoke, then her mother catching her in the planning stage (parents being friends with kids on facebook-hilarious)!!!!!!!!!

if you have hours to waste... do it at lolfbmoments.com!!!!

Sunday, January 17

Top Favorite Songs of the Moment

These are mostly from the New Moon Soundtrack, which is so amazingly (surprisingly) good.

08 - new moon soundtrack - bon iver & st. vincent - roslyn - saga twilight.mp3
Found at bee mp3 search engine

Q Lazarus - Goodbye Horses .mp3
Found at bee mp3 search engine

04 - new moon soundtrack - lykke li - possibility - saga twilight.mp3.mp3
Found at bee mp3 search engine

I can't have nice things


it's true.

i can't have them i can't keep them. half the time i don't fucking want them.

when i really really want nice things and i splurge for them they get lost, stolen, broken... eaten? OBLITERATED puked on. pooped on. anything. it really always happens

do not give me anything that you'd like given back to you someday.

seriously. don't do it. if it looks like it will stain,or is easily breakable, don't give it to me. if there is something that won't make it past the 3 month marker for still being desirable i will throw it away so don't give me that either.

i like things that go up on walls. i need things to hang up. i also need a used metal filing cabinet. a dresser. a wall and a door. i would also like a claw foot bath tub to fill with koi fish.

so what.

happy january 17th. I am officially too fucking old.

OH HAI!

HOLA!

Haven't blogged in a while.

It's a glum hum drum morning here in Brooklyn this Sunday.

Ace is feeling better, he had a phlegmy cold and a fever that has definitely broken. He is not lithargic, he's feeling full of personality once again! HOOO-RAY!

Drinking coffee and enjoying the pleasures of a laptop in the living room.

Taking my dear friend Sara to Olive Garden today. We're gonna talk pregnant lady stuff over endless breadsticks. Can I do another HOOO-RAY?---- YEAH!

Not too much else going on. Pondering staying in our apartment or moving to a different one. The amenities are amazing, but the price is not. We love Greenpoint, so unless we could get something in DUMBO, I think we'll be sticking to the High West of Brooklyn. Our Little Poland.

All in all things are nice. Husband fantastic, Baby not sick, Me... working part time and busy all the rest. I can't wait for the heat and sun of summer, but woopty woop I can't fight with the Calendar, alas it is January, and will be for a while still. BAAAAHHHHH! or should I say BRRRRR!

Very well then. Ta-ta, and be happy :)