Monday, December 6

Are you FLIPPING KIDDING ME?

The disgusting eye raping ass toning flip flop has invaded all other seasons.


FIT FLOP (WRETCH) the supposed sandal you can wear and while walking will lift your booty and tone your lower places, is now making clogs *gasp*, UGG style shearling boots *bleck*,  and MANDALS (man sandals singing to the tune of Dave Matthews enthusiasts) .  I have avoided vomiting all over myself while typing that sentence, but that does not mean I am not insanely nauseated.

I've read reviews of both pro and con on the actual form changing that may occur while wearing these bad boys.  To properly research and come to my own opinions and conclusions I would need to buy a pair of fit floppers and then....  wear them.  Truly a revolting thought.  They have been spotted all over the NYC subway, the wretched sneaker style can be seen on the lovely female office commuter who has clearly chucked the new balance of the past and decided to let her giant tube socks and nylon panty hose live in U shaped soles for the sexy commuter chic.  The combination of Eat Pray Love & FitFlop Footwear is the biggest clue of hating penis and loving kittens since embroidered collared sweatshirts were invented.

I can't take it, so I'm sharing my strongest emotions for all to learn.

CROCS are for kids, silly rabbit.
 ORTHOPEDIC CLOGS are for the nurses.
 ROMAN MANDALS are for the Titans.
FIT FLOPS are for the suckers.
UGGS are for the Jersey Shore and the OC.
 MAJOR FUR BOOTS & SHINY platform wedged snowboots.... ARE FOR ITALIANS FROM SPACE!

If you aren't any of the above and are wearing the footwear described.  Continue and give up on mating, or seriously reconsider your life choices in footwear.

You will notice Birkenstocks have not made it into the category.  I accept them depending on region and weather.

Reasons & Ways NOT to wear your Birkenstocks:

1. If you live in 48 of the 50 US States.  IE: Hawaii & Alaska are okay for 2 basic reasons a. you're stoned and it's a miracle you have shoes on or b. you'll get hypothermia and die and I won't ever be at risk of seeing those fucking things on your feet ever again.
2.  With Toe Socks ESPECIALLY rainbow toe socks.- NO NO NO!
3.  Port-a-Potties at any festival, HELLO PSYCHEDELIC SHIT TOES!
4.  If you are a man.
5.  You're single and do not wish to be single.
6.  On a bicycle, tricycle, unicycle, scooter, elyptical machine, treadmill, stationary bicycle, or segway, or longboard.  ESPECIALLY NOT A LONG BOARD YOU DICK!
7.  If you were born after 1974 & eat meat.

If none apply...  Toe jam on my hippie friend.  JAM IT UP!