Saturday, April 23

I LOVE LEO DAY!!!!!!!!

I TOTALLY HEART HIM ALOT! i just remembered and thought i'd share.


Friday, April 15

BURLESQUE


Not that bad! I truly think this movie did not deserve as many bad reviews as it got.

Going into this movie the viewer needs to be aware that there will be singing and dancing and it's going to be a 'coming into your own' cheesy story. Expecting the worst, I was surprised! I do not think you have to lower expectations to prepare yourself for this movie. You do need to keep yourself from stopping the film after the first 10 minutes. The beginning isn't great. In order to let the audience know Christina Aguilera's character, Ali, could sing, she went into a whole number and it was cheesy and out of context. I cannot stand musicals where one person is singing and everyone on the bus just.. doesn't notice! In a perfect world she'd just be singing to herself ON SET (not big production lip syncing) while packing a bag. All the other singing and dancing numbers were brought onto the stage and it was epic. There has to be a realistic line drawn if you're not going to produce an all out musical all the time no real acting just singing crazy shit movie. But this wasn't and after the first bit, the story moved pretty well, predictable, but hey! DECENT! I liked Cher's character, I enjoyed all the character development, there wasn't a lot of useless information and it all came together in the end. I was really thankful for that. sometimes the plot gets lost in the singing. It wasn't all about the music or the dancing, a lot, but not entirely. I think my husband wouldn't have hated it.

I suggest giving it a chance. It's a good time, the singing is great, the choreography is awesome! AND THE COSTUMES!!!! GOOD GOOD GOOD! AND.... HOT MAN BUTT!!!!!! oh yah!

Thursday, April 14

Lady Diaper

Ace pulled a pantyliner out of my purse and exclaimed "DIAPER!" I said,"No Ace, that's Mommy's Lady Diaper." It has a better ring to it, I think.


I found this while googling 'Lady Diaper'




INCREDIBLY DISTURBING.

Tuesday, April 12

DOLLA BILL$ CHEAP THRILL$

Today's caffeine enduced frenzy has lead me to the discover that I like coupons, promotional codes, and the general concept of getting more bang for my buck!

I have used promotional codes and gift certificates while online shopping! I saved over $50 on a Macy's.com purchase. This makes me feel thrifty and smart! How hilarious it is when I decide to put an ounce of effort into saving myself a dime. I have really shown it to the man today, and righteously taken the 'system' and made it my muse! MUAHAHA! What a winner I have become!

I'm even considering using coupons at the grocery store! WOW! I feel as if I've ventured into a new place of human consciousness! Saving money, WHAT A FUNNY IDEA! Me, not spend every dime? Preposterous! It's SO crazy it might just work!

Don't be stupid, it's not like i'm going to go to a thrift store for clothes or something. ALAS! Activia is on sale, and I saw a coupon for some Bio Kleen Laundry Detergent.

I'M EMBARKING ON A NEW PHASE AND JOURNEY OF EXPLORATION!!!!!!!

PROJECT FUCKING THE SYSTEM BY NOT OVERPAYING FOR EVERYTHING IS A GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*may need to be renamed, PROJECT USE A FUCKING COUPON, PROJECT FUCK THE GROCERY STORE,.... PROJECT CHEAP FUCKER!- no.... way too close to sheep fucker.

well... you get the idea.

PROJECT BEING CONSCIOUSLY AWARE OF THE MONEY I'M SPENDING NOW SO THEN I CAN SPEND IT LATER ON SOME MORE GROCERIES WHEN I'M RETIRED BECAUSE THE SOCIAL SECURITY IN THIS COUNTRY IS GOING TO FAIL LONG BEFORE I COULD EVER BENEFIT FROM IT... HAS BEGUN!

Friday, April 8

RAGE OF THE DAY




Today's road rage was brought to me by an Escalade. These vehicles and I do not mesh well. In fact I have 'mushed' with 2 Cadillac Escalades in my life thus far.

On my way to pick Ace up from Daycare there is an intersection where you "stop" at the stop sign and yield diagonally to the oncoming traffic that you merge into on a one way a millimeter before a stop light controlled intersection. It is a tricky little section, but I am not intimidated as I drive by it EVERY day. The intersection of Lorimer & Bedford is riddled with TONS of foot traffic 2 major bus stops a high school and Macarren park all RIGHT THERE.... it really loans itself to backups at times. I am yielding to a man slowly crossing the street diagonally where he shouldn't be when I am practically side swiped by the Escalade that WAS behind me, didn't see the pedestrian and almost ran over the stupid mother fucker. The pedestrian had crossed enough for me to go past him, but right into the line of the Escalades new chosen jack-ass path. So, I started to go, he tried to pass me on the right and kill a man, I stopped and the jack ass KEPT GOING! So, through the green light and to the next red I pull right up to that fuck head and roll my window down, and he asks "why am I an idiot?" He had clearly seen me mouthing "FUCKING IDIOT" to him while I was honking and flipping him off. To this I reply "Because you're not yielding to pedestrians. You're in a hurry to get past me, but I was waiting for the man to cross the street!" In which he keeps trying to ask me how old I am repeatedly. He's an older shit head, and thinks this will give him leverage in the situation. I answer his question " I am 25, and I am a mother who walks through this intersection daily with my child and I want you to drive safer. You're being unsafe for pedestrians." He chooses not to admit his wrong and goes with "WEll, I'm 65 and..." I didn't hear the rest cause I yelled over him "WELL GOOD FOR YOU YOU'RE A 65 YEAR OLD FUCKING IDIOT!" To which he had no response and drove off.

I think I won. BLAMO! To ensure my winning I made sure to honk at him at the next intersection, and flip him off again. In case he hadn't gotten the point that I did not like him.

Thursday, April 7

update on "it's britney bitch"

she's pregnant, so.. apparently being knocked up makes you chubby. huh, who'd a known.

the thing i don't actually understand is how being pregnant makes you a shitty dancer.

sounds like someone needs to sing more slow love ballads, and less awesome dance songs at the moment.

SO LONG FAT ASS!


"Hi, my name is Chubby. I have a Mom and a Dad and I like to ride a motorcycle. One day I finally quit smoking and drinking and through sobriety's eyes saw a big FAT BUTT!"


My mission is to work out. I am going to reshape my lower body parts ie butt and tubby thub thunder thighs. They are not how I'd like them to be.

In my mind the end result would be this:

however i forget that i'm 4'11" and i will have a curvy physique.

best i can work towards is not having giant saddle bags and the lower belly. i have a 4 pack and a fanny pack. what's up with that?



Beginning Weight: 114.7 lbs
Each Thigh Circumfrence is 22"
Butt Circumfrence is 38"
Hips 34"
Waist 28"

Work out:
4/5- 35 minute treadmill Ran 2.5 miles, walked 1/2 mile with a 7% incline for cooldown
4/7- 40 minute treadmill Ran 3 miles at 5.5MPH with 3% incline, then 7PMH with 0 incline, and a cool down for 5 minutes with a 10% incline (butts need INCLINE!)

I have to stop eating pound cake this week. I eat 2 full meals a day, and snack before and after dinner + desert! I can wait until 1 PM to eat, but I want to eat all night, even in BED! I have removed the Girl Scout cookies from my bedside basket. I had 1 cup of coffee, breakfast at 10, then a papaya for snack around 1:30. Typing about food makes me hungry. I have an uncontrollable hunger. So, it will be nearly impossible for me to not eat food all the time. I need to at least choose low calorie healthy foods to eat constantly and attempt to fill my 'mental hunger' with water!

GOAL WEIGHT IS 105 AND NO SADDLE BAGS! I want to increase my workout to 1 hour 5 days a week.

swimsuit season is going to be EPIC!

Friday, April 1

So you want to be a writer?

Twenty-five is a bit old to start finally thinking about college.  Still, here I am almost 26 and writing an admissions essay.  The essay started off with a righteous bang!  Humor, voice and direction.  3 paragraphs of gold, and then....  I forgot where I was going.  The story started to turn into a list, rushing through as much information as possible to set up for the point of the story.  I was distracted by "getting to the point" so much so that I forgot what the hell the point was.  A story is a journey, not a race to the finish.  I thought I'd share some of my gold that turned into some long run on sentences and a lot of overdetailed filler.  These paragraphs would loan themselves much better to another story.

The story is set on the day of my wedding, I hope someone enjoys this little nugget!



 The afternoon turned into a perfect evening, the ceremony was in the Brooklyn Bridge Park with the sun setting on the Manhattan Skyline, right into our eyes. The subways were roaring over the Manhattan bridge, and booty clapping gold lame clad dancers took a break from their music video to allow my wedding ceremony to begin.  With my grandfather on my arm we walked through the large group jumbled on the park grass.  I shook with nervousness and excitement, I wanted to smile and look at everyone but the ground seemed to help me not cry and ruin all that makeup I had so generously applied.  Joe waited for me next to his best man and brother.  He looked full of the same emotions that I was, with an added dose of nerves.  We held hands and looked into each others eyes as our old and impossible pastor droned on and on, breaking every time a subway crossed the Manhattan Bridge Tracks.  I told him "Just keep going," but he was a stubborn old goat.  The ceremony ended after 6 pauses with an awesome kiss and as husband and wife, Joe and I lead the wedding party  to the reception.

  Joe and I hid in a closet and shared a beer while we were announced to our guests. Afterwards Pastor Old Fart made a big ado about signing our marriage license. For what seemed like a lifetime we signed documents,our witnesses signed documents.  If you're an alcoholic with kegs of beer on ice and 3 hours of time left to party, you can understand the tick tock of the clock that was echoing through my head.  After the marital paperwork, it was on.  The karaoke machine was proving to be slightly shitty and our first dance was to a song that was impossible to dance to.  Between cutting cake and cutting a rug I attempted to converse with as many people as possible, thanking them for their attendance.  I pressured them to please sing a karaoke song, as my Maid of Honor and her husband were just starting up their Meatloaf duet.  My brother-in-law, a touring musician, blessed the crowd with his loveable rendition of "Crazy Train" by Black Sabbath.  With a pair of scissors in hand he wailed into the microphone while simultaneously cutting loose and stabbing at balloons forcing the wedding patrons to take a step (or ten) back from his performance.

Wednesday, March 30

It's Britney Bitch

The new Britney Spears SONGS, are awesome.  Her huge promo's on GMA and Jimmy Kimmel LIVE were great tid bits that her fans have been longing for.  Her Jackass skit on Jimmy Kimmel live was good, but I am feeling curious as to what's up with the Pop Princess.  Her dancing is at 30% in every performance, and I am 90% sure there is no live singing.  I understand a compromise of live performance singing if you're dancing your ass off, but she's doing the dance steps hardly at all.  Her choreographers seems to have attempted to maker her look like she's doing more by waving her arms around and strutting cat like up and down the stage.  The put her up on some cool props, and there is this really questionable blue rope scene in a dance sequence that is absolutely pointless.

This masked dancing seems almost like they're hiding an injury or illness.  She seemed to be full of pep and movement on the Jackass skit for Jimmy Kimmel, but perhaps the pressure and nerves have gotten the best of the popstar.  Honestly, as a sober person I feel more up and ready for action, so what is it that is keeping britney tamed during her performances?  She is 29, and hugely promoting her 7th album release.  Now is not the time to cancel shows on Ellen and dance lamer than when you were on drugs.  Britney please please, come back and fuck some shit up with some face biting performances!  Her voice is unique and even her sweet talking is cool and the songs are just SO AWESOME!  Can we hire a new choreographer?  and cut that damn rope out of the performance unless you're going to make a sexy limbo or tight walking thing out of it.

Wednesday, March 16

Smurf Shoes


how is it that the below dark purple space turds are disgusting to me, but I actually like these smurf shoes?  I wonder if my husband would still find me attractive in these?

uh? What ARE these?

space slippers for one-eyed one horned flying purple people eaters.  kinda look like a shit with lots of rivets.  disgusting.

Monday, February 7

Manicure?

This color is fabulous!
"French Affair" by Essie "soft lavender pink"





I've been attempting to keep nice nails.  This is proving very tricky!  A professional manicure will last me 2 days.  An at home manicure will last about the same, however I will not have the drive to switch over, and usually the polished will be messed up during the drying so the nails were never "nice" to begin with.

The Culprit:  Cleaning, washing hands, picking at the polish, breakage, having a toddler, and the original enemy:  having to pee while polish is drying and usually wearing something impossible to pull up and down without mushing thumbs!

Tips to keep them nice that I won't use because I'm impulsive:

1. Wear rubber gloves while cleaning
2. Don't drink 3 cups of coffee then do nails


Tips to keep them nice that I will use:

1. When at home paint nails while not wearing pants.
2. If forgotten to remove pants... paint thumbs at a later time.
3. Just get toes done at nail salon, leave nails for at home since it's just not going to last.
-------further on the not getting them done at the salon part:  they file the tops of my natural nails and i do not wish that if not wearing polish i look like i've been wrestling with a sand paper alligator.

Tuesday, February 1

MY EPICALLY AWESOME Chicken Soup Recipe


I just made this up, and it RULES!

3 Boneless skinless organic chicken breasts

3 large carrots cubed

3 stalks celery chopped

1 celery heart with lovely leafy goodness intact chop it too!

1 HALF large red onion (or one small) diced

1 HALF large yellow onion (or one small) diced

1 shallot diced

6 large garlic cloves sliced

2 quarts organic chicken stock

2 yellow potatoes

1 cob of Corn cut fresh off the cob

1 can Red Kidney Beans

1 tablespoon Paprika

3 Bay Leaves
pepper to taste

ass load of salt (to taste)

1 tablespoon rosemary

1 stick salted butter

3 cups water

2 tablespoons basil ( i used fresh squeeze kind)  adjust to dried or fresh chopped... dried less fresh chopped same.

3 tablespoons "italian seasons mix"  ie rosemary oregano marjoram basil sage (mine also had peppercorn echinacea and sweet bell peppers*"herb garden" by elements of spice.



IN A LARGE POT:

Medium HIGH Heat:
1/2 stick butter add chicken breast and seasoning (include some salt and pepper) stirring occasionally until white on all sides.

add onions garlic and shallot, saute until the red onions look lighter in color.

add carrots celery corn potatoes stir around let sit and simmer on medium high for about 5 minutes stirring often to not burn on the bottom.

Add drained can of beans and stir same as above let simmer for a few minutes, then add the Chicken Stock.

Leave on Medium/High Heat until the soup bubbles to a boil stir every so often to ensure all the goodies aren't burning at the bottom.  Take the temperature down to Low/Medium and continue stirring at least once every 15 minutes to keep it moving along.  add 2 cups of water and apply the lid taking the stovetop down to Low.  Simmer for as long as you'd like.  Check the taste and add salt and pepper as you see fit, or anything else i didn't measure i just eyeball the seasonings.

I'm thinking of adding wide egg noodles in for chicken noodle soup for Ace.  If I do decide to do so I would obviously wait until the very end as the noodles would cook quickly and then dissipate into yuck slime if over cooked.  maybe even just cook some separately and add in when served.

Wednesday, January 12